Reflecting on Failure

Photo credit:  windowsir.blogspot.com

Photo credit: windowsir.blogspot.com

As any good blogger knows, the key to a successful blog is to find a topic that really interests you and then post blogs about it like there’s no tomorrow.  Apparently, I’m not a good blogger because I haven’t posted anything in seven months.

I certainly have excuses for my lack of blogging. Not the least being my insane work schedule, my uber-project of late, rehabbing my 109 year old house and family drama around my oldest son who desperately wants to be an adult but continues to act like a teenager.

But these are just excuses.

The real reason I’ve ditched updating my blog is I’m not living the low-carb/high fat (LC/HF) lifestyle.  I’m not even trying.

When I started my LC/HF journey, I decided to use blogging to document my experience.  I wanted to create some accountability and share information that I had found helpful to others who may be looking and stumble across my blog.

Photo credit: clarkssummitphysicaltherapy.com

Photo credit: clarkssummitphysicaltherapy.com

It feels hypocritical to continue to extol the virtues of LC/HF living when I’m not doing it myself.  After I started eating carbs again, I felt that I’d proved right all the LC/HF protractors who claimed you can’t live LC/HF for life.

I felt like I’d failed.  I feel ashamed.

So, I don’t write.  I don’t hold myself accountable and I continue to eat carbs.

It sucks to look back at my older posts and remember where I was at that time.  I was healthy for the first time in decades.  My weight was almost ideal.  My pre-diabetes was in complete remission.  My blood pressure and cholesterol levels were better than they’d ever been.  I felt a fantastic mental clarity.  My sleep patterns were sound and adequate.

It was all so effortless and easy. It was also so fleeting. I’ve undone so much progress in such little time.

I’m still convinced that I am metabolically broken – deeply insulin resistant and carbohydrate intolerant.  The proof is in my body’s reaction to the food I eat.

I just can’t seem to muster the focus to care enough to do anything about it. So, I don’t.

I make plans that I don’t keep: Today’s the day I’ll wake up and be low-carb!  I’ll surround myself with my old favorite low-carb foods.  I’ll relish in the feeling of losing weight and being healthy.  I’ll fit back into those lovely “thin clothes” I bought myself.

Sometimes it’s the morning after a rough night of what fellow blogger ItsTheWooo coined as “intermittent shitting disorders”.  I seem to have a very fine and somewhat unpredictable intestinal threshold when it comes to carb (and in particular grain) consumption and when I cross it, I will spend more of my night in the bathroom in gut-wrenching agony than in the comfort of my bed.

Despite my best intentions and the painful episodes, some weak excuse always seems to comes up – a late night meeting, the house torn apart because of (another) renovation project, no interest in the food I have in the house, It’s too late or too hot to cook anything – and I’m off the low-carb wagon.

Lather, rinse and repeat.

I’m so tired and frustrated with it all.

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